Would You Value A Clever Way To Think About Trust In Relationships?

Sometimes I relate the story of Wagner Dodge at Mann Gulch (what a title!). It is a story of a group of fire-fighters in 1947 parachuted in to fight a forest fire in the American Mid-West. They were a group not a team, but were led by the experienced fire-fighter Wagner. They followed his instructions during the events that led up to the fatal incident, even though he rarely said much to explain his actions or instructions. Until unfortunately when they were fleeing for their lives from the pursuing fire, and they saw their boss wagner stop and light a grass fire in front of them seemingly making escape even more difficult. Wagner jumped through the flames of his new fire into the burned out zone and beckoned his colleagues to follow. None did and all but two were caught by the chasing fire and died

Why then did they not follow his instructions at the one time that could have saved them? They had followed instructions all day remember. The answer is of course when it came to life and death decisions they didn’t trust him. He hadn’t built up trust in easier times when he could. The fact is as a leader your followers observe everything you do and take meaning from it. You cannot not lead!

Many years ago I came across this simple concept that helps you in thinking about this issue of building trust in relationships. It is about investing wisely in our personal account at the Bank of Integrity. We are all familiar with our financial bank accounts. This works in a similar manner, but it is where we invest (or draw on) our personal integrity. These in turn can affect our relationships, level of mutual trust and therefore influence with others.

How do you open an account? Well the good news of course is that you already have one! A better question would be; what is my balance and do I owe anything? This bank is of course (unlike our retail banks!) is always open and it is easy to make investments.

I make deposits when I deliver on all the small commitments that I make to others and myself throughout the day, week or year. I automatically for example make a deposit in my account when you notice that I keep my promises, and trust between us grows, and in the joint account between us - where the integrity of our working relationship is totted up and accounted for - we stay in the black and in profit.

I make an investment when, as promised, I provide clear and helpful feedback to my reports, when I spend time listening to others, when I return the letters and calls that I promised to, when I get to meetings on time, when I successfully deal with difficult situations with fairness, firmness and empathy. Most of all, I make significant investments when I treat others with courtesy and respect.

I can also make an investment when I skilfully and assertively talk about problems in relationships, but in such a way that both parties learn and trust each other again.

I even get to make investments when I get things wrong, provided I apologise sincerely and honestly. I make deposits when I admit to a mistake, when I acknowledge the harm I may have caused others.

Managing an account at the Bank of Integrity is the secret formula to learning to like myself more. It is the way in which I learn to trust myself, and my relationships with my significant others.

The down side to the bank always being open - and the really bad news - is that is it is just as easy to make large withdrawals. I make a withdrawal when I promise you to deliver an important project on time and fail to do so without giving you any notice, and I let you - and myself - down. There is also a parallel withdrawal in our joint account, as you no longer feel quite the same trust and confidence in the relationship.

I make a withdrawal when I fail to keep any of the same commitments and promises that I described earlier.

I make withdrawals when I am disrespectful, when I lie, when I tell a half-truth, when I act with a cloudy conscience, when I talk badly of you when you are out of the room.

One of the keys to avoiding withdrawals of course is to simply not make promises and commitments we know, or suspect, that we will be unable to keep. We may feel awkward in the moment when we say ‘no’ to a request (or even a demand) but we will feel better about our self in the long run. A good way to think about saying no to something is to ask yourself first what am I saying yes to before I say no.

Another key to avoiding withdrawals is developing our skills asking great questions and also in listening carefully and attentively to others.

If would like to learn more about asking great questions, my new book 'Purple Monkeys' A Leader's Practical Guide To Unleashing The Power Of Questions To Deliver Great Results' will be available shortly. For More information go to my website www.pmpgenesis.net or simply click the HOME button on the right.